Hey there, fellow parents and accidental evolutionary biologists. Let’s talk about something that’s been keeping my kid up at night—literally. My son has recently decided that the dark is his arch-nemesis. And by “recently,” I mean every single night since he learned how to say, “Dad, can you leave the hallway light on?”

Now, as a dad, my first instinct is to reassure him. But as a guy who spends way too much time thinking about why humans are the way we are, my second instinct is to launch into a 20-minute TED Talk about why his fear of the dark is basically a leftover feature from our caveman days—like an emotional appendix.

The Caveman Chronicles: Why Darkness Used to Be a Big Deal
So, here’s the deal: back in the day, when our ancestors were running around in loincloths and trying not to get eaten by saber-toothed tigers, the dark was bad news. It was the time when all the things that wanted to nibble on your toes came out to play. So, evolution was like, “Hey, let’s hardwire these humans to be scared of the dark so they don’t wander into a cave and become a lion’s midnight snack.”

Fast forward a few thousand years, and here we are: my son, clutching his stuffed dinosaur (ironic, since dinosaurs would’ve been way scarier than the dark), and me, trying to explain that his fear is basically a glitch in his human software.

The Modern World: Where Wi-Fi Beats Werewolves
“Buddy,” I say, “you don’t need to be scared of the dark anymore. We’ve got Wi-Fi, refrigerators, and door locks. The only thing lurking in the shadows now is probably just your little brother trying to steal your toys.”

But no, he’s not buying it. To him, the dark is still a portal to a dimension where monsters, ghosts, and possibly that one creepy clown from It are just waiting to pounce. And honestly, I get it. Fear of the dark is like that one app on your phone that you never use but can’t seem to delete. It’s just there, taking up space in your brain.

Dad’s Bag of Tricks: Nightlights, Stars, and Bad Jokes
So, what’s a dad to do? Well, I’ve tried everything. Nightlights? Check. Glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling? Check. Telling him that monsters are actually scared of him? Double check. But the truth is, I think this fear is just part of being a kid. It’s like a rite of passage, along with losing your first tooth and learning that broccoli is not, in fact, tiny trees.

In the meantime, I’ll keep doing what dads do best: making bad jokes, leaving the hallway light on, and secretly hoping that one day he’ll outgrow this phase before I have to explain why the dark is less scary than my dad dance moves.

The Big Picture: Evolution vs. Chocolate Milk
So, to all the parents out there dealing with a tiny human who’s convinced the boogeyman is real, just remember: this too shall pass. And if all else fails, remind them that we’ve evolved to be at the top of the food chain. Sure, the dark might be spooky, but we’ve got opposable thumbs and Amazon Prime. Who’s the real winner here?

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a nightlight to change and a son to convince that the only thing he should be scared of is running out of chocolate milk.

Stay strong, parents. Evolution’s got nothing on us.